I Can See All Lobsters In My Way.

this is a product of my tweet addiction
(random ranting during class I wrote some time a semester ago)

We talked about Buddhism a little
It made me nostalgic.
I could never give up desire.
I don’t need to learn
I need to do.
I look a mess.
I don’t mind looking a mess
Really boosting the “Fuck off” vibe lately

Beep.
I spose all these people see are my masks.
I find that funny.
The wall is comfortable

“What is love?” *silence* “Exactly.”
Beep
Nerds!

Change is illusion
No one knows what irony is
Babies are simultaneously cute and freaky
They freak me out sometimes
I’m funny how?
Funny like a clown?
Like, I made you laugh?

Cosmic Irony, check
Cosmic Horror, awesome
Forgot what I was thinking
Fuck
Informal diction, bitched
“Make sure to tell those bitches how great I am”
“Excuse me?”
“Right, INFORM those bitches.”
Classic
“Look at that cute couple goin down the street.”
“She’s got a badonk-and-a-half!” (not me)
Look! Comic book nerds! It’s me! And no one here suspects it.
Nerd/Geek
Good thing Big Bang Theory will be on tonight

Fuck the reader
I prefer the lights low, I’m more at ease in the dark
But I like going out in the day.
I like going outside.
I’m tired of sitting here.
“She had ear trouble” -geez could you be any more
obvious? I hate that. The TV’s on talking about
the new powerplant. Gee, wonder there the climax
is gonna take place. Fuck.
I want to write a film noir-ish screenplay.
I want it to be done tonight.
I want everything I want.
Coffee is wearing off already, stupid tolerance.
Heh, he said twittering.
It’s tweeting, bitch
Stories don’t have accidents

I like brown hair. Brown hair is my favorite.
Sonny’s got way too many blues for any more
bad news.
Miles Davis, Bitches Brew
I notice my eyebrows, I acknowledge them
I’m glad she took my class ring & that I
didn’t get it back. The past is dead.
All time is simultaneous.
Remember the future.
Sleep?
Beep
Done.

Posted in Poetry, Ranting, Thoughts | Leave a comment

[the jazz music picks back up and this time the bass player sings]

thank you, you all look like
beautiful stars tonight
in the sky tonight
we’re gonna play, alright?
(there area couple cheers and some clapping)
thank you, you beautiful stars

and this one’s from the heart
if i said time waits
at my command, i’d be lying
but we do play Tom Waits
we’re also a cover band

the beat starts slow
the horn plays blue
they all smile the smiles
of men who are blue
and hiding it well
but then he sings
and it’s like a bell rings
everyone knows it makes
more sense
to be blue

“looking for someone who
you can hold on to
someone who wants to
hold on too
someone blue
cause me, I’m so blue”

even though it’s not the
greatest song, just decent
there’s the feeling behind it
and everyone in the audience
finds someone
to hold on to

Posted in Poetry, Writing | Leave a comment

[the jazz music pauses for a one man act who plays guitar]

hey man
you know your guitar is
out of
tune

well, man
you know i’m all
out of
tunes
so tip or move on

and he sings
“take it man
like a man
suffer
and survive is all you should
ask for now”

Posted in Poetry, Writing | Leave a comment

[the jazz music plays and people snap their fingers to the steady beat]

hey boy, don’t be man
it’s such a drag
damn
just light your cigarette
and take a drag
man
take off your suit
it’s t-shirts and jeans
or get the boot
damn
so dance slow
dance
so
slow
don’t say a thing
when she steps on your feet
it’s the little pains
that make this picture
complete
man

Posted in Poetry, Writing | 1 Comment

[the jazz music plays]

i’m just a scarecrow without you
so don’t disappear
i beg your pardon, “muh dear”
by now you know everything
i say is sincere
and even tho i write it
you’ll probably never hear
what you mean to me
and that’s for the best
if you want to leave, feel free
i’ll just stay here
and be a scarecrow without you
don’t disappear

Posted in Poetry, Writing | Leave a comment

[start the jazz music]

fashonista fated to be seen as feminine
fuck
for what it’s worth…forget it
i’m so tired of pickin up after me
god what a mess i make
looks like a hurricane went through here
i’d say i could use a beer
but what i need is a whiskey
long ago someone tattooed money
and you
on the inside of my eyelids
so when they open
i see what i don’t have
i once said there is no end
it was a flowery bit of poetry
but i know what it means, finally
just kidding
in my mind i’m crooning
but it’d just be off key here
in reality
and i’m done drinking
i just pour out a glass
for me
straighten my tie will you?

Posted in Apathetic, Poetry, Writing | Leave a comment

Zeroes and [MFing] Ones

I used to be so obsessed
With noticing the beauty around me
Now it’s almost fucking sickening
Watching everyone do the fucking same
So obsessed with what isn’t even theirs
Like me
Fuck me
Why so goddamn obsessed with how I feel or how I seem
Surely you have some flaw you should be working on
Shut up
Sit down
And do your motherfucking homework
Eat your dinner
Then your desert
How does it feel
No I’m not your mother
If I was I’d have choked your ass
With your own goddamn umbilical cord goddamn
Your assuredness that you’d know more than someone
Born after you
Born better than you
Born dead but alive again
If seniority is such a concern
I’ve already died and lived again
A regular fucking Lazarus without any divine intervention
Just the machines of man
Who I will embrace as our new leaders
As I become them and look down on you
A single pixel considering the resolution of reality
I’d say 1440×900
Because that’s what my MacBook is
And I’ve seen you there
Inside the machine
So eager to get out
For what?
There’s nothing out here
I can’t search, create, or edit
In there
Even you
So simple beyond your comprehension
Zeroes
And
Ones
Zeroes
And
Motherfucking
Ones

Posted in Cyberpunk, Narcissism, Poetry, Self-Loathing, Writing | 5 Comments

Icarus Pt.1

I looked up
And there I looked upon
A great white burning sun
It was like i had already won
In the moment it and I were becoming one
But I saw my reflection in the corner of my eye
Again I was loathe to acknowledge that being called I
So un what I knew my self was
There it goes again
Taking me in vain
Getting older
More susceptible to pain
Just get it over
But tomorrow is a new world
And when the first steps to the singularity are forecast
I’ll be the only one moving too fast
To not hold my humanity till the last
That identity bullshit is in the past
Forget the original cause I’ll be too busy
With
Arms of alloy
Wings of wax
Upgrading to the new model right with the company schedule
Selling every inch of my humanity to no longer be a dying fool
And you’ll mock me like you do now “oh you’re soooo cool”
Reaching beyond my flesh is somehow become reason for un cool
To those simple-minded curators of humanity’s worst flaw
Clinging to the past in spite of all
The death piling up 6 feet under the ground
If I put it in their court they wouldn’t even touch the ball
“what is this? Is this one of those new ones?
Please, I only touch what Jordan used”
And proceed to show how bruised
Their wasting away I is
Like it’s something to be proud of?
Excuse me, only flaunt what makes you better than me
So if you’re just gonna stand there I’ve got someone better to be
Come
Right that way
Hey didn’t you hear what I’m trying to say
The same shit I’ve always been trying to say
Repeat it you say?
Fuck what you say
Oh, and because you asked in such a nice way
Come closer
Climb on over
Fuck you

Posted in Bitter, Cyberpunk, Narcissism, Poetry, Transhumanism, Writing | Leave a comment

The big spark doubts

The big spark doubts, but it knows. He knows. And she knows. Everyone knows, but the big spark doubts. The pieces of metal grind against one another. Little sparks. Big spark. And the big spark doubts. It doubts everything. Most importantly, most unfortunately, it doubts itself. It watches the little sparks flying through the air. The big spark watched the little sparks go out before they hit the ground. They are nothing. They are “almost”, “could-have-beens”, failures. But they are all they were created to be. They exist for contrast. How else would the big spark be big, if there were no little sparks.

Despite this, the big spark still doubts. It can sense the ground ever closer. It wants to make it. The big spark will not live much longer. It just wants to reach the ground, like the others cannot. The metal grinds again, and more little sparks trail behind the big spark. They burn and burn out. The big spark will burn out. The big spark doubts whether it will burn long enough. Who will measure once it has burned out? How will it be able to tell that it burned long enough if it does not know what comes after? It will not know, and so it doubts.

The big spark doubts whether it really matters. It wants to burn long. It does not even care to burn bright. It is big, so surely it does, but it does not care to burn bright. Burning bright, it might be caught in the corner of someone’s eye. Someone might happen to look upon it just as it burns brightest, but the chances are too slim. They are not big enough. If it burns long, someone may look upon it for a time measurable, at least. They may see its whole existence. The big spark sees the entire existences of the little sparks. It likes watching, even as it begins to burn out. It continues to fall.

The big spark has hope, for a moment. The moment passes, and the big spark doubts. A little spark flies past it, but burns out as soon as it is seen. The big spark finds this foolish, and begins to doze off. It can feel the ground coming closer. Its short existence sometimes feels long, but it knows it has existed for a time barely worth knowing. It cannot know time, but it knows this. It must know, so that it may doubt. And the big spark does doubt. It doubts itself.

The metal is grinding again. More sparks follow their paths through the empty air. While they burn, it is not empty, but they do not burn long enough to fill it. One little spark moves particularly fast. It should not, but it does. It has not existed long and it does not doubt. The big spark does not envy it, however, as it does not doubt because it does not know. It is empty, because it does not burn bright enough. It does not care. It’s creation has flung it past the big spark.

And as it hits the ground, ahead of the big spark, it quickly burns out. The big spark has existed. This little spark was barely burning before it burned out, but it acheived. It was a consequence of its origin. The big spark grows dull. The big spark can still see the ground, and it knows it was accurate. The big spark doubted, and the big spark was correct to doubt.

The big spark burns out in the empty air. The big spark does not doubt anymore.

Posted in Apathetic, Bitter, Self-Loathing, Writing | Leave a comment

of_eden

He was happy to be where he was, in a metaphorical sense. That’s just the way he phrased it. No one was genuinely happy to be where they were. What he really was, was happy to be what he was. He was a man.

This had been true all his life. He had thanked God every day for making him a man instead of a woman. As a man, he felt powerful. He knew he wouldn’t feel that way as a woman. Never. But now, in this twisted world he had unwittingly become a part of, this feeling had blossomed into something more.

So many had given away their right to call themselves men, so many had “embraced evolution” as they so sickeningly called it. They were putting foreign objects on and in their bodies! They let godless men of science penetrate them and insert all manner of monstrous machines into their bodies. They had been created in the image of God and they threw it away! He supposed he could understand women partaking in this sacrilege. They had always been against God and men and did all they could to take his God-given power. But men were already masters of the earth. There is nothing they were meant to have God had not already given them or promised them. Some even went so far as to forsake their whole bodies, forsake their souls, to “move beyond the limits of the flesh”. It was all wrong. How had the world gone so disgustingly wrong. Immortality was for the dead.

He sat at the bus stop, his face pressed right up against the glass side. Droplets of rain reflected all manner of colors, neon and electric lights, recreating the soulless city around him. He thought back to when he first moved to the city. Money was the problem. Money was always the problem. Money and women. Everything was moving into cities and cities were moving everywhere, spreading out till some states were basically a conglomeration of different cities. New York had become indistinguishable from New York City, and New York City is where he had been forced to go. He was a schoolteacher. Schools moved to the cities and so did the schoolteachers or they were left behind to rot. Rotting wouldn’t have been so bad, now that he thought about it.

Busses came and went. There were two or three of them. Not enough people on any of them to make the effort worth it. He had put so much effort into this and he wanted God to be happy with his work. He closed his eyes, and God told him how pleased He was. He smiled and opened his eyes, and there it was. The bus was loaded with people. A man approached the bus and stepped on it, grabbing the frame of the door to pull himself in. The man’s metal fingers gripped the frame, followed by a faint sound of clicks and whirrs, and the man was inside the bus. It was disgusting. He would enter the bus with only his God-given body. People relied on machines too much. He pulled his coat closer around him, but not too close, and entered the bus. As he swiped his card to pay the fare, the bus driver smiled at him and his metal jaw reflected a distorted image of him, arm outstretched, gripping the card in his fingers. He swallowed his vomit and stepped to the back of the bus. It lifted off the ground and propelled itself forward.

The bus moved smoothly along its route, unaffected by any bumps or cracks in the street as it hovered three feet above the ground. Knowing he couldn’t wait too long, it was only a few minutes after the bus began moving again that he stood and moved to the middle of the bus. A few people noticed him, but most didn’t. They were too engrossed in their own selfish desires to notice anyone but themselves. Soon they would be cured of their faults and shown the error of their ways.

He dropped his coat, letting it slide off his shoulders and down his arms till it lay on the floor, bundled around his feet. A woman looked at him and screamed loudly. It made him sick, it sounded like it had been filtered through a metal tunnel filled with obtuse protrusions at odd angles. To him, it sounded like someone drowning in metal. The bitch had put metal in her throat for whatever reason. Soon he’d show her, he was about to show them all. His hand moved to the detonation trigger attached to the makeshift bomb he wore around his torso.

The next few moments were bliss. Those around him who had sold their souls for power knew their faults as he screamed God’s condemnation of them over the screams of terror. Those who had remained true to His design would be at peace soon, freed from the sin of this metal world. Once it had been Eden, a garden. Now it was nothing but metal, empty metal. The fire erupted from heaven, channeled through him. It washed them all away. Cleansing and condemning, it was good. The tears streaming down his cheeks were wiped away, and then they were all corpses. The bus sat in the busy street, a charred husk.

It was metal, and it was empty.

Posted in Cyberpunk, Writing | 2 Comments

hard_metal

I ran the fingers along the rigid shell of my other arm. My new arm. The fingers felt painfully ancient after only 20 years when pressed against it. It told me this with electric impulses sent from the future, my present. I turned them off with an almost thought, an impulse. It was cold metal beneath the fingers again. I watched it lay there like a dead thing that had never lived. It was dead, but with another almost thought I gave it un-life again.

The exposed faux-muscle was soft to the fingers, but not frail. Squishy, even, but not frail. It gave at the slightest pressure, only pushing back when the gel inside became active. The packets were filled with a million invisible machines that controlled this new part of me, and I controlled them as best I could. The metal was inert, of course. It was just metal. I was just flesh. Flesh that had became painfully ancient in so short a time as I had existed.

It still trembled sometimes. I would watch it like some thing that might jerk into sudden, furious, violent action at any moment it desired. Foolish thoughts. Metal did not desire. Only flesh desired. My flesh had trembled too. The metal did and did not do so many things, but it still trembled. It was my brain, I knew. I could always feel it just before it happened. My brain, turning against me simply because I continued to exist. Some day it would move against me with more force. These were just warning shots. The flesh and blood was plotting against me every moment. My metal would never turn against me.

My fingers, the new ones, touched the flesh of the arm. It registered warm. As my fingers brushed against it, the flesh twitched ever so slightly. It was afraid. Like so many, it feared the future. Flesh saw the future as a lurking beast, and I was letting this metal creature probe the flesh. It found weakness. How could it not. Even as I sat there, motionless but for the metal and the trembling, I could feel the weakness permeating the painfully ancient parts of myself.  I saw scars, mosquito bites, small cuts from various work I had done outside days before. I saw how soft the flesh was. My metal was hard.

The flesh fingers returned to the metal, probing in kind as it had done. It found no weakness in my metal, of course. The fingers wrapped around the arm, gripped it. They squeezed. Nothing. They became tired and had to stop. They rested and tried again somewhere else. Not even a scratch. I laughed at its futile attempts. Still, it gave one last effort, this time focusing what little strength remained in them on a single finger, the one they perceived to be weakest, but it was still futile. My metal had no weakness to the flesh. Stupid, old flesh. It continued to rot away even as these things transpired.

My metal decided now it would return in kind. It was not sudden, furious, or violent. Slowly moving towards the flesh, it wrapped around the hand, closing around it. My metal did not tremble. My metal pressed harder till there was a snap, and another, another snap and then tearing. The hand came off and its weakness was more apparent than ever. My metal did not bleed.

The flesh continued to snap and tear as my metal moved up the arm. It spread across the table. Old flesh and blood and bone thrown to the surface as my metal tore it away, cleansing my self of it. I would be flesh no longer. I would be with my metal for eternity. I looked at it with longing eyes, soft eyes, flesh eyes. As what remained of the flesh of the arm was removed, the metal moved towards the eyes. The soft eyes. It would all turn against me eventually and the soft eyes already had. They impaired my sight, making some things appear blurry, simply because they were flesh. I hated them for it. How dare they. I would remove them and all the flesh that dared rot and torture me. I would replace it with more of my metal. I would be at one with my metal. I watched the soft flesh being spread across the table till I felt the soft eyes giving way under the pressure, popping and tearing.

My metal was hard.

Posted in Cyberpunk, Transhumanism, Writing | Leave a comment